


The Phone Call

by mnemosyne23



Category: Heroes (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Paire, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, With A Twist, lewd humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-08
Updated: 2007-05-08
Packaged: 2020-03-07 04:11:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18865456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemosyne23/pseuds/mnemosyne23
Summary: Nathan calls Peter in search of Claire, and gets an earful of more than he'd bargained for.  AU based off canon.





	The Phone Call

**Author's Note:**

> I know Claire is a long way from calling Nathan "Daddy," but it was the easiest way to differentiate her dialog from Peter's, so I included it.

_Riiiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiii-!_

"Hello?"

"Peter, have you seen Claire?"

"Nathan, now's not a real good time for me."

"Peter, are you listening to my tone? Do I sound like a man who's concerned with your 'good times' and 'bad times?' My daughter is supposed to be attending my inauguration tomorrow and I haven't heard from her since last Tuesday. She could be dead for all I know."

"Nathan-"

"Yes, I KNOW she's 'indestructible.' I'm trying to make a point. You two are usually attached at the hip – where is she?"

"Um, have you talked to Mom?"

"Why would I talk to Mom? Claire doesn't even LIKE Mom."

"Maybe you should talk to Mom."

"Peter, have you finally gone over the edge? Am I going to have to fly over there and shake some sense into your head? What does it take to get a… straight… ans- What's that sound?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing."

"It sounded like a moan."

"Hmm?"

"Pete, are you even paying attention to me? What are you doing over there?"

"Mmmm…"

"…Peter… Are you... Are you having SEX?"

"Hmmm?"

"Oh God, you are. You're having sex right now, while I'm talking to you on the phone."

"No I'm not… _oh yessss…_ "

"You are!"

"No!"

"You're having sex."

"Am not."

"Right now. Having sex."

"Not."

"Who is she?"

"I'm not having sex!"

"Peter, I can HEAR her! Who is she?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"So you admit you're having sex."

"I'm not admitting anything! I just want to know why you think it's any of your business whether I'm having sex or not!"

"Well for one it's my business because you're my brother, and anything you do reflects back on me tenfold because I'm a public figure."

"Gee, that's a really warm and fuzzy sentiment, Nathan, thanks."

"And secondly, your luck with girlfriends is like a toaster's luck in a fountain factory. I'm going into Congress, Pete. I need you focused, not hemming and hawing over some girl."

"I do not hem and haw."

"What do you call what you're doing right now?"

"Righteous anger, that's what I call it."

"Cute."

"Look, Nathan, I don't- No, hang… Gimme the phone back…"

"Peter? What the hell's going on?"

"Hi, Daddy."

"…."

"Daddy? You there?"

"…."

"It's not what you think."

"NOT WHAT I THINK! Claire, you're having SEX with your UNCLE!"

"Not technically."

"Not tech… Tab A fitting into Slot B is about as technical as the human body GETS!"

"Well… yeah, okay, I'll give you that-"

"Oh God…"

"-but the technical bit I was talking about is that he's not REALLY my uncle. So we're not REALLY doing anything wrong."

"…"

"Daddy?"

"…."

"Daddy, are you there?"

"...."

"Maybe you should speak to Angela."

"Why is everyone so determined to get me to talk to my mother? My mother is the LAST person I want to talk to right now! Right after my wife, my campaign manager, and Parkman!"

"What does Matt have to do with anything?"

"Because I KNOW he knows what you two were up to. That explains those shit-eating grins he kept giving me when he thought I wasn't looking!"

"Look, Daddy, if you just TALK to Angela-"

" _He's being a prick, isn't he?_ "

"I hear you, Peter! Don't you dare call me a prick in front of my own daughter!"

"Fine then. Would you rather I hang up the phone so we can get back to what we were doing before you interrupted?"

"..."

"Because I don't know about you, Nathan, but being stopped at this particular point in the process is probably not the healthiest for either of our reproductive systems, not to mention our cardiovascular fitness."

"Oh God, stop talking before I start having visions. And put my daughter back on the phone!"

"Hi, Daddy."

"Claire, I want you to get away from your uncle, put your clothes back on, and come straight home, do you understand?"

"He's not my uncle, Daddy. That's what I'm trying to TELL you."

"What are you talking about?"

"He was adopted!"

"He– WHAT? What the hell are you talking about? Put your uncle back on the line!"

"He's not my uncle!"

"NOW, Claire."

"Happy now, Nathan?"

"How long have you known?"

"That I'm adopted? Since... I think... 2:30 this afternoon? Yeah, 2:30. Claire's agreeing with me. Mom came to see me. She told me the whole thing."

"Peter, it's just barely after four o'clock. You're telling me you found out you were adopted less than two hours ago, and the first thing you did wasn't call your brother-"

"Adopted brother."

"ADOPTED brother, whatever, to tell him the news, but instead you chose to call your niece -- DON'T CORRECT ME, DAMMIT – to invite her over for sex? Is this what you're telling me?"

"Not completely..."

"Okay then, how is it different? Enlighten me."

"Well, Claire was already kind of.. you know, HERE..."

"WHAT?!"

"She was just visiting! We were making cookies."

"You'd better pray that I don't Google the phrase "making cookies" and find out that it's some kind of nurse vernacular for incestually humping a minor, Peter!"

"Nathan, would you quit it? Geez. I'm not a dirty old man!"

"YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH CLAIRE!"

"He WAS having sex with me, until you decided to call and start shouting at us!"

"Claire! You give the phone back to Peter this INSTANT, young lady!"

"No! Stop yelling at Peter! I'm the one who made the move on HIM."

"Claire, I don't want to hear about your sexual practices, all right? I'm your father. You're supposed to stay a virgin until your thirty!"

"Oh, THAT'S a mature outlook. How many times have I died over the past year? What, six? At least? I think I deserve to have at least ONE orgasm before I manage to get myself killed and make it stick!"

"Don't EVER say the word 'orgasm' to me again."

"Orgasm."

"Claire..."

"Orgasm, orgasm, orgasm, orgasm!"

"Claire Bennet Petrelli!"

" _You are so incredibly sexy when you're angry..._ "

"Mmm..."

"Peter! Stop whatever you're doing RIGHT NOW. Do you hear me?"

" _Hang up the phone..._ "

"Don't you dare, Claire! Don't you DARE hang up that phone!"

*CLICK!*

_Hummmmmmmmmmmmm_

"Son of a..."

*CLICK!*

BEEP-BOOP-BEEP-BOOP-BEEP-BEEP-BOOP!

_Riiiiiiing... Riiiiiing..._

"Angela Petrelli."

"Ma, why the hell is Peter having sex with my daughter?"

"Because he can, dear."

"Since when is he adopted!"

"Since birth, Nathan. Stop being shrill. It plays badly in the press."

"Stop being...! Ma, PETER is having sex with CLAIRE!"

"Yes, dear. I know."

"How can you possibly know!"

"Because I barely managed to evacuate the apartment before they started tearing each other's clothes off."

"WHAT?"

"Oh honestly, Nathan. They were going to do it eventually, related or not. You could feel it around them. Rife with sexual tension, that's what they were. Absolutely rife. Rather than drawing out the process and putting everyone through heavy melodrama with lots of existential questions about the meaning of life, the beauty of truth and the truth of beauty, I decided it was best to just cut our losses and tell them outright."

"And you didn't think about consulting me first?"

"Why would I do that, dear?"

"Did you honestly just ask me that question?"

"It won't affect you, Nathan. I gave them the information, and in exchange I asked them to keep their relationship quiet. They agreed."

"And you just expect them to follow through on that promise?"

"Well, Peter might have to move his bed away from the interior wall..."

"MA!"

"Are we quite finished, Nathan? Vladimir is here with the car to take me to the club."

"Fine, fine. Whatever. Just leave me to reassemble my life from the smoking remains of my once glittering career."

"There's a good man."

*CLICK!*

_Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm_

"Absolutely insane..."

BEEP-BOOP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BOOP!

_Riiiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiii-_

" **OH! OH GOD, YES! _YES!_** "

"You'd better be using protection, Peter, or I will castrate you so fast, your head will spin! AND KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN!"

***CLICK! ***

"..."

"..."

"Move his bed away from the interior wall my ass."

 

**THE END**


End file.
